Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
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i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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