omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Randomize
