im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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