omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i just had sex bonerless
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
