I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
