you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
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Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
What happened to fro yo and sex?
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Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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