Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
