What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
