Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
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I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
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Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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