Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
