the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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