I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
