Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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