Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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