apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
