Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Did we literally take a cab across the street
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just pee around me
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
