my mouth tastes like poor choices
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
