how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
