I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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