Please, let me fuck your mom
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
