I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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