I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
