i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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