there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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