ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
