I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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