Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
