I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
