dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
nutella sex= disaster
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
