You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
3 2 1 whiskey
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
