I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Randomize
