I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
