i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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