just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
