so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
