I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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