I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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