...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
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Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
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It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize