she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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