you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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