She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
