you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
