My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I had to cum in my sink.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
