my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
