Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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