perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
