didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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