I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
