She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
