I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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