But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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