I have demons in me.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
