The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
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i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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