I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
