she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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