grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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